Ok, the lamest one you'll read here (sorry if its a little long)

An intrepid explorer heard that the secret to immortality could be found on a certain island in the South Pacific. He found the island with no trouble, but hadn’t a clue as to where to find the secret of immortality. He asked the local tribal chief if he knew.
“Well, I don’t know myself,” he said. “But it is said that a group of porpoises which swim in the lagoon have found the secret to life eternal.”
“Great,” the explorer said. “I’ll go see them.”
“Wait,” the chief said. “The porpoises will not speak with just anyone. You must bring them a sacrifice. You must capture for them the young of the great mynah bird. It’s nest can be found high on the mountain."
Eagerly the explorer set off in search of the mynah birds. He found a nest with no problem, and stole couple of chics from it. But on the way back down the path he came across a huge, sleeping lion straddled across the path, blocking it. So he carefully tried to step over it. But the lion woke up, attacked and ate the explorer.
So the Moral of the Story is:
Never cross staid lions with a mynah for immortal porpoises.

And for those you can't figure it out...

Crossing state lines with a minor for immoral purposes.

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

sadly all my good jokes could result in me being fired so I will go with a safe one

What did the farmer say when he walked into the barn and saw a brown chicken and a brown cow having sex?





BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COWWWW!

if you dont get it say it out loud

if you still dont hit yourself with a hammer

 

i hit myself with a hammer.. still dont get it...

lol

 

say bow chicka bow wow

get it now?

 

Old man calls waiter over to the table and says: I can't eat this soup"
Waiter: Sir, it is made fresh every day and we are known for our quality and flavors
Old man: Taste it.
Waiter: But sir, I eat a bowl daily and know it to be fine. Five other people are eating it now.
Old man: I would like for you to taste it.
Waiter, but sir, I told yo..
Old Man: Just taste it!
Waiter: very well.......where is your spoon?
Old man: Aaah haaaa!

 

i know this thead is better for the short jokes, but i thought this was funny and i was too lazy to search for the other joke thread:

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax."

 

^^^funny I like that one.

 

why couldnt hellen keller drive?

cause shes a woman :P

 

why did the pervert cross the road?

'cause his D!ck was stuck in the chicken....