No Joke. Nuthin funny. She Died. Last weekend.

Her Name was Theresa, and She always had a smile, for me and for anybody else who happened across her path.

We were talking on the phone, while I was at work a week ago Sunday, and She had an anuerism. 3-hours later, She was dead. No warning. She was in good health. Now She is gone.

The day before, we went to my 2nd Grandmother's funeral. I went to work late, that Saturday, obviously. Theresa came in with me and stayed the whole night until I got off at Midnight, something She had never done before. No real reason why... I guess She just didn't want me to face my grief alone.

The week before that my 2nd Grandmother, Margie, died. She had a long and loving life, but had been in the hospital for more than two-months with Her health in a slow, downward spiral. Theresa did what She could to help us all find a reason to smile, the day of Margie's funeral.

Two weeks before that, one of my friends (and, incidentally, an ex-girlfriend), informed me that She had inoperable cancer, and has been given a six-months-to-live diagnosis.

Back in February, my 13-year-old neice recieved a kidney transplant. Her Mother, my sister-in-law, was teh donor. She had been on the list to receive a kidney since she was something like 8 or 9, I think. Mother and daughter have long-since recovered and are doing fine. Andrea is now a regular, annoying, 13-year-old.

The last few months have been unusually dark, and heavy, in my circle. Theresa helped me cope. We disagreed, on occassion, but we laughed 10-times more than we disagreed.

Theresa's funeral is today. It has been a week and this hole in my heart, in my life, has never felt so dark and empty as it does this morning.

I wrote this, Tuesday after Theresa found a better path to follow:

She and I used to talk about slowing down her expectations of me; to wait for me to get myself more together so I could catch up to where She was in Her life, and that we could plan a future, together. I guess I just couldn’t keep up, because now I'm left standing here. I had Her in my life for such a short time, and people tell me I should cherish all that we shared; the time that we had, and I do. But, as selfish as it seems, I find that it's not enough. No amount of time would ever have been enough. I needed more. God PLEASE forgive me but I needed more. Much, much more.

MORE[/b]

I always thought we would have much more time.
More days filled with the sound of your laughter.
More nights teasing each other about the morning after.
More shopping for things neither of us would ever buy.
More chances for me to answer your ever-present "Why?".
More hours spent wandering aimlessly throughthe bookstore.
More of me running around the car to open your door.
More minutes of you trying to convince me to "go with the flow."
More experiences for us to share doing only what the heavens know.
More talks about all the things the other person just couldn't see.
More time for us building a life to share between you and me.
More Tuesday nights downtown, enjoying dinner on our "date nights."
More arguments about the remote, that always endedup with "play-fights."
More discussions about plants, and birds, and trees and the nature of things.
More teasing about how horribly off-key we both are when we sing.
More ways to come up with something interesting for to cook.
More times when I'd give You reason to give me "The LOOK."
More fun, and more tears, and more games, and more friends and family.
More life to live, and more turns to take just being silly.
More learning and understanding, each other, and other people in our life.
More patience, drawn from each other, in dealing withour times of strife.
More emails, passed from and to all of the friends we shared.
More phone calls, just to hear each others voice,and showwe cared.
More of all the million things that two peoplewho are together do.
More tries at the tribulations and joys of joining one life from two.
More Heart.
More Soul.
More to give.
More to hold.
More to do.
More to see.

In other words, Theresa, more You, and more Me.



...All I seem to be able to understand, now, is that there is no more "more."

Theresa,
You taught me how to commit to our future, the future you left me behind to face alone.
You brought me outside myself and showed me that the world is not as cold and hard as I believed it to be.
You showed me places, inside me, and the outside world too, that I had long since learned to ignore.
You tried to show me that being the "hard" Military man I learned to be wasn't the type of "Man" the world needed of me, anymore.
All the places we went, together, both inside and out. Places that I'll never have the courage to visit, again, alone.

- Jazz, A. T. Jazz

 

Wow thats a lot of personal pain to deal with in such a short time, hopefully things will only improve after this. It's a shame when people die young but at least it was quick and I assume almost painless. I don't know what else to say except I hope your life can return to normal eventually.

 

im really sorry for your loss... similar situation with my brother 2 years ago.i talked to him at night and he had a heart attack in his sleep. no warning. he was healthy. again, i kind of know how you feel and how no words can really express anything to cure your pain. but trust me, talking helps

 

Troy,
I am deeply saddened by your post and while everyone's pain is different, it nevertheless is one so familiar to many of us. You are not alone though you may feel it at those quiet moments. Try to take those moments to reflect on the good things and joy she brought to you and embrace the difference you made and happiness you brought to her. You have certianly brought those things to us here and therefore I state again, you are not alone. Thank you for reaching out to us and know that you will find comfort here in AF's embrace. You are strong and you will endure, but please keep reaching out to us in any time of need. You know that there is always someone here for you.
You will be in our thoughts and hearts.
T

 

so now we know where you have been. Jazz, my thoughts, prayers, karma, anything I can think of go to you right now. I've never even meet you in person but I've always held you in the highest regard as a great and upstanding person. I hope through these times that you can still find joy in life and we are here for you too.

- Colin

 

Jazz, my deepest condolences for your loss. My thoughts and prayers will be with you in this difficult time.

 

oh jazz, my deepest sympathies to you. there's never really anything anyone can say that eases the pain, but just to know that others have you in their thoughts sometimes helps lift the burdon a little. people can besent to us and taken away in an instant. such losses are never explainable, but evidently she has blessed you with great gifts that will be a part of you forever.
my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

my heart and prayers go out to you.

 

Jazz; I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You're a great person, and a friend tomany on AF. I think your Theresa would be proud of you, and I hope that you can find the strength to carry on with your life. Know that I and all of your friends here on AF are thinking of you, and we are here for you, to help however we can.

 

Thoughts and prayers go out to you. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. The closest person I lost was my mom when I was 10 and you have to rely on God, your friends, and your family to help you through. You will make it. Once again, I am sorry to hear about your loss.

Josh