Months in a nutshell....
#1
11-16-2008, 02:52 AM
Months in a nutshell....
So I've been out for a long time, six months or so. Incommunicado, so to speak. Well, I'm feeling a little chatty, so I figured I'd pseudo-blog here for a bit. I've gotten away with it before, so now I'm abusing the priviledge. 
To start with, my fiancee left me Tuesday, Nov 11. I haven't been handling it so well. She didn't leave because I did something. She didn't leave because she wasn't happy with me. She didn't even leave me for someone new. She left me because her ex made it to where she couldn't be with her kids unless she went back to him. He lied to Child Protective Services, he lied to police and sheriffs, he lied to the few people he LET her be friends with. He told all of them that she was abusive and neglectful, and because he had isolated her and kept her from having any local friends or family around, she had no one to back her up and tell the truth about how she was with her kids except me. As a result, she only had SUPERVISED visits every other week. We were working on getting her custody, she was going to get her own place, and I know that with just a few weeks of work, we could have gotten at least half-custody for her. Instead she quit me. She didn't even tell me she was going, I got to come home to an empty house, and hour and a half after she told me she was just running to WalMart. She looked me in the eye, told me she loved me, then drove home and packed up her stuff.
I truly want nothing but for her to be happy. That's why I was with her, because I knew I could make a place that she could be happy. But she left me to go back to a man who beat her kids, who lied and had her two older boys taken away from her and sent to their father 1000 miles away, who called her a ***** when she wore a shirt that showed anything below her collarbone, who wouldn't let her leave the house in makeup, who wouldn't let her have a job or friends or any contact with her family. If she had left me to go to a place where she could be more happy than she could with me, I think I'd be abl to handle this a lot better. But I know and she knows that he hasn't changed. He'll act good for a few months, a few years maybe. But he is who he is. And eventually, she'll be right back where she was. Unhappy. Mistreated. Emotionally alone.
That's what really bothers me. Yeah, I'm pretty jacked right now. I'm lonely. I turned my life upside down for this girl, and now I have to try to right it by myself. We were planning our wedding (a Wiccan handfasting), we were planning our future together, and that's all gone now, which has my head all turned around. I've been on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline for a couple hours over the last few days. I've been doing little but drinking, sleeping and crying, pretty much since she left. As hard as that all is, I'd learn to live with it and be happy for her. But she moved back in with a man she doesn't love, and he coerced her into it. While we were together, I sacrificed a number of things for her happiness. I suffered through stress and uncertainty at times because it built toward a happy future for us. And I would gladly sacrifice or suffer for her even more, if it helped her. But here I am, absolutely broken in half over her leaving, and I know it's not going to make her happy in the end. I don't know how to handle that.
In Other News...
I'm planning out a book that a friend and I are going to write about the economy. His smarts and my words, I think we can really elucidate a great number of people on the hazards of what we see as a problem that's only going to get worse. Hopefully we'll be able to write a book than will enable more people to understand what is happening and what they can do to protect themselves. I don't think it needs to be Economics 101, there are obviously classes on that at thousands of schools. But those deal primarily with economic theory on a grand scale, which I don't think helps individuals. You don't need to know how to build an engine just to drive to work. But you do need to know how to drive. That's what I hope we can do for people, provide enough information about the way the economy works for individuals and the likely risks of our near future so people can better prepare and make more informed judgements.
In Other News....
Those of you who have read my posts from way back know of a certain girl that I was, shall we say, obsessed with... A girl named Lindsay. My first love, though it wasn't returned. The one I hadn't seen or spoken to in eight some-odd years. Those of you who don't know, Google Cache is bad ***, since the thread is no longer on here.
So that's Lindsay. That post was nearly three years ago. I asked everybody's advice, should I contact her, should I not, should I die in a fire... Overwhelmingly, people told me to contact her, so low and behold you know what I did? I didn't contact her. I left it alone. I still thought about her. I still looked at her picture. To make a long story short (too late), I made no progress what so ever. I was majorly depressed, between girl troubles and over-working myself, I was not in a good place. Time went on and the obsession dwindled. I didn't forget her, but it wasn't a constant thing anymore. I found out sometime later that my obsession probably wasn't about her as such, but more that she was the anchor to a time when I was growing up and learning things. My thoughts weren't about Lindsay as much as about an idealized memory of her and her place in my development. Then I met Erika, the girl about whom my first three paragraphs here are about, and things started looking up. She saw Lindsay's picture, and I told her all about it. She understood, or said she did.
Then, no ****, out of the blue, Lindsay looks me up and sends me a message on Facebook. I didn't even remember I had a Facebook page, there's nothing on it but my name. But there she was, asking if I was the guy she knew from high school. I told Erika about it, to see if it would bother her if I responded, since she knew the history. She said she didn't have a problem with it as long as she didn't have to worry about me leaving her (which turned out to be a pretty unwarranted concern if you ask me), but at the time I felt that seeing Lindsay would hurt Erika. So I've just been talking to Lindsay a bit, an email a week or so, catching up, seeing where ten years went with her and telling her about my ten years. I obviously didn't tell her everything, I've kept the obsession on the DL.
After Erika left, I asked Lindsay if she wanted to meet up for a drink or dinner, something. I haven't heard back from her yet, but we'll see how that goes.
To start with, my fiancee left me Tuesday, Nov 11. I haven't been handling it so well. She didn't leave because I did something. She didn't leave because she wasn't happy with me. She didn't even leave me for someone new. She left me because her ex made it to where she couldn't be with her kids unless she went back to him. He lied to Child Protective Services, he lied to police and sheriffs, he lied to the few people he LET her be friends with. He told all of them that she was abusive and neglectful, and because he had isolated her and kept her from having any local friends or family around, she had no one to back her up and tell the truth about how she was with her kids except me. As a result, she only had SUPERVISED visits every other week. We were working on getting her custody, she was going to get her own place, and I know that with just a few weeks of work, we could have gotten at least half-custody for her. Instead she quit me. She didn't even tell me she was going, I got to come home to an empty house, and hour and a half after she told me she was just running to WalMart. She looked me in the eye, told me she loved me, then drove home and packed up her stuff.
I truly want nothing but for her to be happy. That's why I was with her, because I knew I could make a place that she could be happy. But she left me to go back to a man who beat her kids, who lied and had her two older boys taken away from her and sent to their father 1000 miles away, who called her a ***** when she wore a shirt that showed anything below her collarbone, who wouldn't let her leave the house in makeup, who wouldn't let her have a job or friends or any contact with her family. If she had left me to go to a place where she could be more happy than she could with me, I think I'd be abl to handle this a lot better. But I know and she knows that he hasn't changed. He'll act good for a few months, a few years maybe. But he is who he is. And eventually, she'll be right back where she was. Unhappy. Mistreated. Emotionally alone.
That's what really bothers me. Yeah, I'm pretty jacked right now. I'm lonely. I turned my life upside down for this girl, and now I have to try to right it by myself. We were planning our wedding (a Wiccan handfasting), we were planning our future together, and that's all gone now, which has my head all turned around. I've been on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline for a couple hours over the last few days. I've been doing little but drinking, sleeping and crying, pretty much since she left. As hard as that all is, I'd learn to live with it and be happy for her. But she moved back in with a man she doesn't love, and he coerced her into it. While we were together, I sacrificed a number of things for her happiness. I suffered through stress and uncertainty at times because it built toward a happy future for us. And I would gladly sacrifice or suffer for her even more, if it helped her. But here I am, absolutely broken in half over her leaving, and I know it's not going to make her happy in the end. I don't know how to handle that.
In Other News...
I'm planning out a book that a friend and I are going to write about the economy. His smarts and my words, I think we can really elucidate a great number of people on the hazards of what we see as a problem that's only going to get worse. Hopefully we'll be able to write a book than will enable more people to understand what is happening and what they can do to protect themselves. I don't think it needs to be Economics 101, there are obviously classes on that at thousands of schools. But those deal primarily with economic theory on a grand scale, which I don't think helps individuals. You don't need to know how to build an engine just to drive to work. But you do need to know how to drive. That's what I hope we can do for people, provide enough information about the way the economy works for individuals and the likely risks of our near future so people can better prepare and make more informed judgements.
In Other News....
Those of you who have read my posts from way back know of a certain girl that I was, shall we say, obsessed with... A girl named Lindsay. My first love, though it wasn't returned. The one I hadn't seen or spoken to in eight some-odd years. Those of you who don't know, Google Cache is bad ***, since the thread is no longer on here.
Quick anecdote, to help you see keeping it all bottled up inside is not the way to go..... (ok, maybe not quick)
I was 16 years old. Typical 16 year old, I stayed out late, I partied with my friends, nothing unusual, just learning to live like we all do. One day, I walked into my English class in high school. My previous class was two doors down the hall so I usually got there first. The second I walked trough the door, I laid my eyes on the most gorgeous creature I'd ever seen. Light skin, cute freckles, long curly red hair, and green eyes, light like the underside of a mint leaf. I could have sworn I heard a choir of angels somewhere that moment. She was sitting at one of the desks, putting her books into her backpack. I still remember everything about that first time I saw her. She had on a rust colored cardigan sweater over a white spaghetti strap top and oversized khaki cargos with Doc Marten's. Light green eye shadow that made her eyes standout like a lighthouse. She had one of those oversized bead chain chokers, but what I remember most for some reason was a charm bracelet with a tiny wolf pendant. I've always had a strong connection with wolves. My father's last name was Wolfe, I dreamt about being a wolf, so when I saw that, something clicked. I don't believe in love at first sight, except with her. I was hooked.
Within a few weeks, she and I had started talking, and one day, I convinced her to go to lunch with me. I'm still a bit embarrassed that I was madly in love with her, and the first thing we did together was eat at Arby's. We got to be really good friends, but she never gave me any indication that anything more was possible, so I didn't say anything. For almost two years, every minute that I wasn't out of town racing the Mustang, we were together. Best friends and such. But I always wanted more and never had the guts to say anything about it. It felt good to be around her. She made me into most of who I am today. At a time when I was listening to Misfits and Dead Kennedys all the time she made me listen to U2 and the Cure, yet because it was her, I never complained. She taught me things I'd never cared about before. But still I couldn't tell her that I loved her.
After a while, it just got to be too much. I ached for her all the time. But I knew I couldn't have her. So I left. I packed up and moved back to Brooklyn. I didn't even tell her I was going. It would have hurt too much to lie when she asked why I was going. How can you tell someone that you feel like even when you're side by side, you still feel like you're miles away. How do you tell them that you've thrown away perfectly good relationships with other girls just because they weren't her. How do you say, I love you so much that I can't stand one more day of looking at you knowing that you don't love me the same way. I never saw her or talked to her again.
It's been 8 years since I've seen her and yet I still think about her almost every day. I have a picture of her in my car that I won't go anywhere without. I still get all torn up inside every time I hear U2's "With or Without You". I remember everything about her. I remember her room, a converted basement, with dark wood paneling, her bathroom painted bright red. I remember a black wig that she used to wear. I remember the time that we stripped down to our underwear and went swimming in a lake in the middle of a park at midnight. I remember her birthday, and the first thing I got her for the first birthday that I knew her, a new charm for her bracelet, a tiny little musical note. I remember her name. I know with my resources, I could find her in about 10 minutes. I guess I'm still afraid, and that's why I don't do it. But now I'm not even afraid that she wouldn't love me, I know that's out of the question, but I'm afraid that she wouldn't even remember me, and that would be even worse.
I was 16 years old. Typical 16 year old, I stayed out late, I partied with my friends, nothing unusual, just learning to live like we all do. One day, I walked into my English class in high school. My previous class was two doors down the hall so I usually got there first. The second I walked trough the door, I laid my eyes on the most gorgeous creature I'd ever seen. Light skin, cute freckles, long curly red hair, and green eyes, light like the underside of a mint leaf. I could have sworn I heard a choir of angels somewhere that moment. She was sitting at one of the desks, putting her books into her backpack. I still remember everything about that first time I saw her. She had on a rust colored cardigan sweater over a white spaghetti strap top and oversized khaki cargos with Doc Marten's. Light green eye shadow that made her eyes standout like a lighthouse. She had one of those oversized bead chain chokers, but what I remember most for some reason was a charm bracelet with a tiny wolf pendant. I've always had a strong connection with wolves. My father's last name was Wolfe, I dreamt about being a wolf, so when I saw that, something clicked. I don't believe in love at first sight, except with her. I was hooked.
Within a few weeks, she and I had started talking, and one day, I convinced her to go to lunch with me. I'm still a bit embarrassed that I was madly in love with her, and the first thing we did together was eat at Arby's. We got to be really good friends, but she never gave me any indication that anything more was possible, so I didn't say anything. For almost two years, every minute that I wasn't out of town racing the Mustang, we were together. Best friends and such. But I always wanted more and never had the guts to say anything about it. It felt good to be around her. She made me into most of who I am today. At a time when I was listening to Misfits and Dead Kennedys all the time she made me listen to U2 and the Cure, yet because it was her, I never complained. She taught me things I'd never cared about before. But still I couldn't tell her that I loved her.
After a while, it just got to be too much. I ached for her all the time. But I knew I couldn't have her. So I left. I packed up and moved back to Brooklyn. I didn't even tell her I was going. It would have hurt too much to lie when she asked why I was going. How can you tell someone that you feel like even when you're side by side, you still feel like you're miles away. How do you tell them that you've thrown away perfectly good relationships with other girls just because they weren't her. How do you say, I love you so much that I can't stand one more day of looking at you knowing that you don't love me the same way. I never saw her or talked to her again.
It's been 8 years since I've seen her and yet I still think about her almost every day. I have a picture of her in my car that I won't go anywhere without. I still get all torn up inside every time I hear U2's "With or Without You". I remember everything about her. I remember her room, a converted basement, with dark wood paneling, her bathroom painted bright red. I remember a black wig that she used to wear. I remember the time that we stripped down to our underwear and went swimming in a lake in the middle of a park at midnight. I remember her birthday, and the first thing I got her for the first birthday that I knew her, a new charm for her bracelet, a tiny little musical note. I remember her name. I know with my resources, I could find her in about 10 minutes. I guess I'm still afraid, and that's why I don't do it. But now I'm not even afraid that she wouldn't love me, I know that's out of the question, but I'm afraid that she wouldn't even remember me, and that would be even worse.
Then, no ****, out of the blue, Lindsay looks me up and sends me a message on Facebook. I didn't even remember I had a Facebook page, there's nothing on it but my name. But there she was, asking if I was the guy she knew from high school. I told Erika about it, to see if it would bother her if I responded, since she knew the history. She said she didn't have a problem with it as long as she didn't have to worry about me leaving her (which turned out to be a pretty unwarranted concern if you ask me), but at the time I felt that seeing Lindsay would hurt Erika. So I've just been talking to Lindsay a bit, an email a week or so, catching up, seeing where ten years went with her and telling her about my ten years. I obviously didn't tell her everything, I've kept the obsession on the DL.
After Erika left, I asked Lindsay if she wanted to meet up for a drink or dinner, something. I haven't heard back from her yet, but we'll see how that goes.
#2
11-16-2008, 08:53 AM
wow, man, that is a tough thing you are going through, but I have faith that you can get through it just fine. When you were on here often you were a staple here and I think the community here, for what it is worth, has your back and knows that you'll get by.
It pisses me off that there are bastards like Erika's ex. Husband in the world who would want to destroy and control life, but unfortunately, the world can be a very cold place sometime and we all need people to help us get through those times. I think we are here for you if you need to talk, at least I am and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the older guys who remember you are too.
It pisses me off that there are bastards like Erika's ex. Husband in the world who would want to destroy and control life, but unfortunately, the world can be a very cold place sometime and we all need people to help us get through those times. I think we are here for you if you need to talk, at least I am and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the older guys who remember you are too.
#3
11-16-2008, 11:59 AM
Damn.
My friend, you have a good head on your shoulders, and a big heart in your chest. Judging by this post alone, I have no doubt that you will make a successful author, and I wish you and your friend all the best of luck in that venture!
It sounds like you're going through hell, and I'm glad that you seem to have found some kind of rock to cling to by corresponding with Lindsay. As CAB said, you've also got your whole AF family here to support you as well; both those who know you well, and those like me who have only occasionally seen you post. One of the most amazing characteristics of the human animal is our ability to survive by adapting, to not succumb to the suffocating pressure of adversity and heartbreak, to live on and find a reason to smile again; and a huge part of that is our ability to depend on others for support in our time of need.
Keep your chin up, and keep talking about things, and know always that you have friends who believe in you.
My friend, you have a good head on your shoulders, and a big heart in your chest. Judging by this post alone, I have no doubt that you will make a successful author, and I wish you and your friend all the best of luck in that venture!
It sounds like you're going through hell, and I'm glad that you seem to have found some kind of rock to cling to by corresponding with Lindsay. As CAB said, you've also got your whole AF family here to support you as well; both those who know you well, and those like me who have only occasionally seen you post. One of the most amazing characteristics of the human animal is our ability to survive by adapting, to not succumb to the suffocating pressure of adversity and heartbreak, to live on and find a reason to smile again; and a huge part of that is our ability to depend on others for support in our time of need.
Keep your chin up, and keep talking about things, and know always that you have friends who believe in you.
#4
11-16-2008, 12:11 PM
just wanted to say i sympathize with you bro for what you're going through. ive been there before, it always gets better. just keep yourself busy to keep yourself from thinking about it. if you need to talk or anything we're all here. btw my gf read your post and says you should make a movie lol.
#5
11-16-2008, 03:42 PM
Sounds like a rough time that you are going through. I just went through a tough time myself, having lost my cat of 11 years this past week. I'm sure you'll have the support of the people on here at AF, as I did when I was going through my rough time.
I want to share a quote with you, one that S4sweetee left for me in my time of need:
If you ever need anybody to talk to, we're all here for each other.
I want to share a quote with you, one that S4sweetee left for me in my time of need:
If you ever need anybody to talk to, we're all here for each other.
#6
11-16-2008, 04:04 PM
Damn.
My friend, you have a good head on your shoulders, and a big heart in your chest. Judging by this post alone, I have no doubt that you will make a successful author, and I wish you and your friend all the best of luck in that venture!
It sounds like you're going through hell, and I'm glad that you seem to have found some kind of rock to cling to by corresponding with Lindsay. As CAB said, you've also got your whole AF family here to support you as well; both those who know you well, and those like me who have only occasionally seen you post. One of the most amazing characteristics of the human animal is our ability to survive by adapting, to not succumb to the suffocating pressure of adversity and heartbreak, to live on and find a reason to smile again; and a huge part of that is our ability to depend on others for support in our time of need.
Keep your chin up, and keep talking about things, and know always that you have friends who believe in you.
My friend, you have a good head on your shoulders, and a big heart in your chest. Judging by this post alone, I have no doubt that you will make a successful author, and I wish you and your friend all the best of luck in that venture!
It sounds like you're going through hell, and I'm glad that you seem to have found some kind of rock to cling to by corresponding with Lindsay. As CAB said, you've also got your whole AF family here to support you as well; both those who know you well, and those like me who have only occasionally seen you post. One of the most amazing characteristics of the human animal is our ability to survive by adapting, to not succumb to the suffocating pressure of adversity and heartbreak, to live on and find a reason to smile again; and a huge part of that is our ability to depend on others for support in our time of need.
Keep your chin up, and keep talking about things, and know always that you have friends who believe in you.
i agree 100%
#7
11-16-2008, 06:07 PM
damn bro. that really sucks. i can kinda relate to some of ur expeirences and like everyone else said, your gonna get throught this and everything will get better.
you will most likely do really good with ur book, your a great writer.
good luck with Lindsay too...
you will most likely do really good with ur book, your a great writer.
good luck with Lindsay too...
#8
11-16-2008, 09:07 PM
Thanks for the support. Like everybody says, you can't do it alone.
To put it plainly, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's harder than my troubles with Lindsay back in the day, because that was walking (running, really) away from something that I knew wasn't going to happen. This is seeing something that I was sure was going to happen walk (run, really) away from me. I know or hope at least that this is going to get easier with time, but so far it seems like it's twice as hard every day that passes. Mornings are the hardest. She worked nights as a waitress, so I guess her not being here as I go to sleep is something that I'm more used to. But she was there next to me every morning when I got up. Every day since she's been gone, I wake up, and for that short time before my brain fully starts working, I wonder where she is, why she's not next to me, if she got in a wreck on the way home from work or something, and I have this split second panic. Then it hits me why she's not there. It's almost like the movie, 50 First Dates, but every morning, I have to find out for the first time that's she's gone, over and over again. I don't know if that's normal. If anyone else has ever gone through that, let me know.
Another thing that's making it especially difficult, more so than it has to be I feel, is that a lot of her things are still in the house. She grabbed pretty much everything that was out in our room, her clothes, her collection of angel figurines, all her bathroom stuff, but there's still a lot left. A bunch of books are still interspersed with mine on the bookshelves, she has three of those big storage tubs of pictures in the back room, and various other trinkets that we got when we were together. She's supposed to come by in the next few days and get the rest of it, but for now, I have to look at it. I have to see all those things and get a constant reminder of her. And I've slowed way down on it now, but when I was drinking heavily for the first few days, I would see that stuff and I could almost think that everything was fine, that she'd walk around the corner in the hallway or I'd hear her car in the driveway just any second or hear her yell from the kitchen asking what I wanted for dinner.
So I'm at this great mental impasse. Part of me wants her to get her stuff out of my house right now, just get it over with, to get rid of the rest of the stuff that we got together and try to eliminate all of the things were a part of BOTH of our lives and only keep the stuff that was mine before she came around. But then another part of me, perhaps the less manly part, wants to hold on to that stuff, to cherish it and use it to remind me of the good times we did have together. To that extent, I still haven't dumped the trash can from the bathroom, which still has some of her things, an empty perfume bottle, her hair dye from Halloween, clothes tags and the like. I'm not keeping it on purpose I don't think, I haven't dumped it just because it's not full, but how sad is it that I kind of look at it and don't WANT to dump it out? As if keeping it somehow keeps her closer to me.
To top off that line of thought, about two months ago we got a dog, a Siberian Husky from the Humane Society. I wasn't all about it myself, and we were going to pass on him, but the morning of the adoption day, I woke her up and told her she'd better get moving if she was going to get there before everybody else. Her face lit up and she nearly flew into the shower to get ready. We brought him home and every day she and I both played with him and walked him around the park that my house is on, and we just loved that dog like nothing else. We named him Sicarius, after the alpha of a supernatural wolf pack in a series of books that we both read. Well, she left him here too. I guess her un-ex won't let her have him because he was OURS. So now I've got him and as much as I love him, I can't pet him, I can't take him around the park, I can't feed him, I can't so much as look at him without being reminded of all the times that she and I did those things together. And I don't think that now that I'm on my own, I'm going to have enough time or energy to care for him properly, Siberians need a lot of attention and activity. I should probably find someone who can take him and care for him better than I can, but the thought of losing him is just unbearable, not only because I love him and enjoy having him around, but because that would be one more connection to her that would be gone.
I just don't know about that, or any of it really. I know the best thing to do let it ride for a while. Erika's things, pictures of her, the dog, moving to Africa and doing missionary work, I should probably hold off on any unreversible decisions until I can get my head straight. I don't need to be making major choices, or even medium ones while viewing everything through an emotional fog.
On the upside to everything, for some reason, it seems like everything that I've been going through this past week has kicked my mind into overdrive, some form of hyper-sensitivity. Plotting out important parts of the book that we want to do has gone much faster than I would have expected. And other things as well, I've been writing almost non-stop, not only for the economy book, but just stories, recollections, another fiction book that I've wanted to do for a while, and all of it seems to be easier than it was before. I even feel like dusting off the old "Sleep-Deprived Ramblings" thread here on AudiForums from years back. It's as though while I'm finding many many things in my life right now very confusing and jumbled and hurtful and all that, it seems like my brain has compensated by adding clarity to non-related thoughts and ideas.
And on that thought, I'm in need of a cheeseburger.
To put it plainly, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's harder than my troubles with Lindsay back in the day, because that was walking (running, really) away from something that I knew wasn't going to happen. This is seeing something that I was sure was going to happen walk (run, really) away from me. I know or hope at least that this is going to get easier with time, but so far it seems like it's twice as hard every day that passes. Mornings are the hardest. She worked nights as a waitress, so I guess her not being here as I go to sleep is something that I'm more used to. But she was there next to me every morning when I got up. Every day since she's been gone, I wake up, and for that short time before my brain fully starts working, I wonder where she is, why she's not next to me, if she got in a wreck on the way home from work or something, and I have this split second panic. Then it hits me why she's not there. It's almost like the movie, 50 First Dates, but every morning, I have to find out for the first time that's she's gone, over and over again. I don't know if that's normal. If anyone else has ever gone through that, let me know.
Another thing that's making it especially difficult, more so than it has to be I feel, is that a lot of her things are still in the house. She grabbed pretty much everything that was out in our room, her clothes, her collection of angel figurines, all her bathroom stuff, but there's still a lot left. A bunch of books are still interspersed with mine on the bookshelves, she has three of those big storage tubs of pictures in the back room, and various other trinkets that we got when we were together. She's supposed to come by in the next few days and get the rest of it, but for now, I have to look at it. I have to see all those things and get a constant reminder of her. And I've slowed way down on it now, but when I was drinking heavily for the first few days, I would see that stuff and I could almost think that everything was fine, that she'd walk around the corner in the hallway or I'd hear her car in the driveway just any second or hear her yell from the kitchen asking what I wanted for dinner.
So I'm at this great mental impasse. Part of me wants her to get her stuff out of my house right now, just get it over with, to get rid of the rest of the stuff that we got together and try to eliminate all of the things were a part of BOTH of our lives and only keep the stuff that was mine before she came around. But then another part of me, perhaps the less manly part, wants to hold on to that stuff, to cherish it and use it to remind me of the good times we did have together. To that extent, I still haven't dumped the trash can from the bathroom, which still has some of her things, an empty perfume bottle, her hair dye from Halloween, clothes tags and the like. I'm not keeping it on purpose I don't think, I haven't dumped it just because it's not full, but how sad is it that I kind of look at it and don't WANT to dump it out? As if keeping it somehow keeps her closer to me.
To top off that line of thought, about two months ago we got a dog, a Siberian Husky from the Humane Society. I wasn't all about it myself, and we were going to pass on him, but the morning of the adoption day, I woke her up and told her she'd better get moving if she was going to get there before everybody else. Her face lit up and she nearly flew into the shower to get ready. We brought him home and every day she and I both played with him and walked him around the park that my house is on, and we just loved that dog like nothing else. We named him Sicarius, after the alpha of a supernatural wolf pack in a series of books that we both read. Well, she left him here too. I guess her un-ex won't let her have him because he was OURS. So now I've got him and as much as I love him, I can't pet him, I can't take him around the park, I can't feed him, I can't so much as look at him without being reminded of all the times that she and I did those things together. And I don't think that now that I'm on my own, I'm going to have enough time or energy to care for him properly, Siberians need a lot of attention and activity. I should probably find someone who can take him and care for him better than I can, but the thought of losing him is just unbearable, not only because I love him and enjoy having him around, but because that would be one more connection to her that would be gone.
I just don't know about that, or any of it really. I know the best thing to do let it ride for a while. Erika's things, pictures of her, the dog, moving to Africa and doing missionary work, I should probably hold off on any unreversible decisions until I can get my head straight. I don't need to be making major choices, or even medium ones while viewing everything through an emotional fog.
On the upside to everything, for some reason, it seems like everything that I've been going through this past week has kicked my mind into overdrive, some form of hyper-sensitivity. Plotting out important parts of the book that we want to do has gone much faster than I would have expected. And other things as well, I've been writing almost non-stop, not only for the economy book, but just stories, recollections, another fiction book that I've wanted to do for a while, and all of it seems to be easier than it was before. I even feel like dusting off the old "Sleep-Deprived Ramblings" thread here on AudiForums from years back. It's as though while I'm finding many many things in my life right now very confusing and jumbled and hurtful and all that, it seems like my brain has compensated by adding clarity to non-related thoughts and ideas.
And on that thought, I'm in need of a cheeseburger.
#9
11-16-2008, 09:30 PM
about the part of waking up and taking a while to realize why shes not there, ive had that happen to me. i spent 2 and a half years with a girl and after we broke up it wasnt too pretty. now on the topic of her coming back to pick up the rest of her things, may i make a suggestion? dont be present. just leave the door open or the key somewhere so she can get in and get her stuff. seeing her again may ruin any progress you have made or even make things worse than they were. as for the book, theres always a bright side to everything, huh? =/
#10
11-16-2008, 09:35 PM
Lvl-65 Sorceress: 9,571-HP/7,796-EP
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: The other side of midnight.
Posts: 7,462
there IS a path for you and although you may not see it clearly now, it will eventually make itself apparent and easier for you to follow.
i am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. you may once again be reunited with this woman, or you may not...but the important thing is that you've experienced something that will remain with you and the imprint it has left on your soul is now a permanent part of who you are.
it's ok to greive for your loss. even though the days now are so painful, time is your friend and your healer. i would suggest a journal for your personal feelings. use it for good days and bad days. i always think it's best for strong emotion (both positive and negative) to flow THRU you rather than remain bottled up inside.
good luck. you'll find light again.
i am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. you may once again be reunited with this woman, or you may not...but the important thing is that you've experienced something that will remain with you and the imprint it has left on your soul is now a permanent part of who you are.
it's ok to greive for your loss. even though the days now are so painful, time is your friend and your healer. i would suggest a journal for your personal feelings. use it for good days and bad days. i always think it's best for strong emotion (both positive and negative) to flow THRU you rather than remain bottled up inside.
good luck. you'll find light again.