HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA....please tell me that's your test spencer....

 

Check where did you get that? that is great

 

lol, flippin around collegehumor.com
one of the funniest things i've seen.
it's old though... so i hear.

 

Speaking English.....

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers....Probably from the George Carlin's comedy act files!

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call
it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an
alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

 

that def sounds like carlin....and those are also all very good points...why is our language so ridiculously complicated??

 

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says: "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks: "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says: "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your *** is for.

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

LMAO...AW nice! real nice!

 

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

 

good god thats great stuff