Happy Period
#1
02-26-2008, 12:21 PM
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Constant State of Confusion
Posts: 5,942
Happy Period
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American companyProctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really getsrolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 yearsand I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Coreor Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsadancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be yourrevolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enoughto realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered fromthe curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month isstarting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my bodywill adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seenquite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customersmonthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about thebloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense moodswings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realizeit's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friendJennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's ********* intoa George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey'sAnatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is justcrawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to thereason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping sopainful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, Iopened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tinymiddle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughinghappiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentionedabove sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unlessyou're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin andKahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down tothe local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan toend your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap amoronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to saysomething that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effectiveimmediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I havechosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I willcertainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss yourbrand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 yearsand I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Coreor Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsadancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be yourrevolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enoughto realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered fromthe curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month isstarting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my bodywill adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seenquite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customersmonthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about thebloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense moodswings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realizeit's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friendJennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's ********* intoa George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey'sAnatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is justcrawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to thereason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping sopainful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, Iopened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tinymiddle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughinghappiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentionedabove sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unlessyou're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin andKahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down tothe local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan toend your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap amoronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to saysomething that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effectiveimmediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I havechosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I willcertainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss yourbrand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
