*The Official Chuck Norris Thread*
#1
10-08-2009, 12:59 AM
*The Official Chuck Norris Thread*
Let's post those jokes and pics dedicated to everyone's hero and worst nightmare.
Here's what I got at the moment:
-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
-Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing at it and saying bang.
-Chuck norris doesn't tea bag... He potato sacks!
-When Chuck Norris does push ups... he doesn't push himself up... he pushes the earth down.
-If you have 10 dollars and Chuck Norris has 10 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
-There is no theory of evolution, only a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
-The movie "Godzilla" is a Japanese reenactment of Chuck Norris' first trip to Tokyo.
-Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris put the laughter in manslaughter.
-Chuck Norris secretly has sex with every woman in the world. And they bleed once a month for a week.
-Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as chuck Norris.
-They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take s*it from anybody.
-Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
-Little known medical fact:......Chuck Norris invented the Cesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
-Behind Chuck Norris's beard is another fist.
-Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that
-Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
-Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water, and make it drink.
-Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
-Chuck Norris' toilet paper:
-Of Course he was there:
Here's what I got at the moment:
-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
-Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing at it and saying bang.
-Chuck norris doesn't tea bag... He potato sacks!
-When Chuck Norris does push ups... he doesn't push himself up... he pushes the earth down.
-If you have 10 dollars and Chuck Norris has 10 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
-There is no theory of evolution, only a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
-The movie "Godzilla" is a Japanese reenactment of Chuck Norris' first trip to Tokyo.
-Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris put the laughter in manslaughter.
-Chuck Norris secretly has sex with every woman in the world. And they bleed once a month for a week.
-Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as chuck Norris.
-They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take s*it from anybody.
-Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
-Little known medical fact:......Chuck Norris invented the Cesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
-Behind Chuck Norris's beard is another fist.
-Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that
-Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
-Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water, and make it drink.
-Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
-Chuck Norris' toilet paper:
-Of Course he was there:
Last edited by mctavish11; 10-08-2009 at 01:04 AM.
#5
10-08-2009, 11:18 AM
Speaking of, My roomate at school used to play warcraft, and he is really good and persistent at "fingering" out ***** in beer pong (bitches blow / guys finger were the rules we played) so we all knew him as warcraft fingers, he hated it, especially where there were ladies around that he didn't know.
#6
10-08-2009, 12:00 PM
The great wall of China was built to keep Chuck Norris out. It was a miserable failure.
My favorite: Someone once told Chuck Norris that the Roundhouse kick was not the most effective way to attack someone. This is now known in history ans the WORST mistake anyone has EVER made.
My favorite: Someone once told Chuck Norris that the Roundhouse kick was not the most effective way to attack someone. This is now known in history ans the WORST mistake anyone has EVER made.
#7
10-08-2009, 12:46 PM
My Fav is one the ones I posted above thats says:
If you have $10 and Chuck Norris has $10, Chuck Norris has more money than you
#9
10-08-2009, 02:22 PM
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
#10
10-08-2009, 03:01 PM
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth AND he taketh away.
Someone once told Chuck Norris that the Roundhouse kick was not the most effective way to attack someone. This is now known in history as the Official WORST mistake anyone has EVER made.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.....
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth AND he taketh away.
Someone once told Chuck Norris that the Roundhouse kick was not the most effective way to attack someone. This is now known in history as the Official WORST mistake anyone has EVER made.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.....
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.